1.01: Pilot

Susan Perkins: Walter? Walter, sweetie? Come to bed. It's after midnight. Again. ... WALTER!
Walter Perkins: Be right there.
Susan: Honey!
Walter: Five more minutes.
Susan: You need your sleep. You know how you get.
Walter: Another five minutes.
Susan: Well, I'll be asleep. And don't even think of trying anything when you get up here. That ship has sailed.

Zoe: I told you we should have made a left back there.
Jack: Don't make me use pepper spray.
Zoe: Are all cops this angry?
Jack: This isn't angry. I was angry at the truck stop when you told the waitress that I touched you funny. We're way past angry.

Zoe: Will you remind me again why we're not on a plane right now? Oh, that's right, the big bad Marshal's afraid to fly.

Zoe: It's just funny.
Jack: Seriously, I'll - I'll pay you.
Zoe: I mean, you drive me across three states, you find me in a city of like half a million people, and then you get us lost on the way back. I mean, you gotta appreciate the irony.

Jack: (after crashing the car) You okay?
Zoe: You call this protective custody?
Jack: You're okay.

Zoe: Wait - Where are you going?
Jack: To check the damage.
Zoe: And what if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys on the plane that had to eat each other.
Jack: You're right.
Zoe: I know!
Jack: Yeah. Here's some ketchup. Start at your feet and work your way up.
Zoe: (after Jack gets out of the car and falls down a hill) Karma's a bitch, huh?

Zoe: Look, it was an honest to god paranormal encounter.
Jack: You are an honest to god paranormal encouter.
Zoe: Ha ha. Does that sense of humour come with the badge?

Jack: Civilisation at last, huh?
Zoe: By who's defintion?

Zoe: Decidious?
Kid: It means they shed their leaves once a year.
Zoe: Thanks, Einstein, I knew that.
Kid: I'm an Oppenheimer. The Einsteins live on fourth.

Sheriff Cobb: I see you've become acquainted with my Deputy.
Jack: In - (Jo hands him back his gun) Intimately.

Zoe: You're just gonna lock me up here?!
Jack: Yeah.
Zoe: Have you seen Deliverance?

Jo: And, uh, what was that explosion?
Henry: What explosion? I didn't hear anything! (laughs)
Jo: (to Sheriff Cobb) He says he didn't hear anything.
Cobb: (laughs) He never does!

Brian Perkins: (looking at the healthy snacks Susan picked out for him) You said treats. Am I being punished?

Henry: (pulling Jack's car out of the forest) Nice landing.
Jack: Thanks.
Henry: How'd you get out?
Jack: ... Carefully.

Jack: How long you been in the tow business?
Henry: Oh, I don't do this for a living. I do this for fun. I just always liked fixing things. I was an engineer back in the day.
Jack: As in trains?
Henry: Space shuttles.

Sheriff Cobb: (into the phone) Are you sure you counted right? Okay, I'll be right over. (To Jo) That was Ned Carver. He claims aliens abducted some of his cattle again.
Jo: Tell him to call me when they move on to anal probes. Wait. That didn't come out right.

Zoe: Hey, GI Josephina, what's with all the firepower? Hot date?
Jo: That's one.
Zoe: What, like that's supposed to scare me or something?
Jo: That's two.
Sheriff Cobb: She must like you. I've never seen her get as high as two before.

Jo: I got your gun.
Sheriff Cobb: No guns.
Jo: But it's a small one.

Allison: Hey, I don't like to repeat myself.
Jack: And yet something tells me that you're going to.

Allison: This is way out of your jurisdiction.
Jack: Actually, I'm a US Marshall. Technically the United States is my jurisdiction.

Jack: Relax, it's not blood.
Allison: Then what?
Jack: Chocolate. Hershey's Big Block. With almonds.
Allison: How could you possibly know that?
Jack: (Holds up chocolate wrapper) Believe it or not, I have done this before. But, there is one small detail I usually like to ascertain before launching a full scale manhunt for a missing person.
Allison: And that would be?
Jack: That there is, in fact, a person missing.

Allison: (about Jack) I guess he's smarter than he looks.

Henry: Oh, hey, Marshall. One, oh I don't know, maybe two days. (the car falls off the tow truck) Three days - max.
Allison: You may be here a while.
Jack: I'm getting that impression.

Allison: You didn't think I was taking you to my place?
Jack: No.
Allison: Cause I'll tell you right now. This isn't Madison County and you're definitely not Clint Eastwood.

Beverly: Will your wife be joining you?
Jack: My wife? Oh, not likely. We're separated.
Beverly: Was it the sex?

Zoe: You are in big trouble. Just wait until the Judge hears you kept a minor locked up all night.
Jack: Yeah, here, (kicks the bin towards her) file a complaint.

Jack: Deputy, where's the Sheriff?
Jo: Can't you see I'm busy.
Jack: ... Mmm... Honestly?

Jack: No, really. I'd love to get some advice from a teenager caught impersonating a flight attendant.

Jack: Where am I? What's going on?
Taggart: Afraid I can't say mate.
Jack: Well, where are you taking me?
Taggart: Can't say that either.
Jack: Look, whoever you are -
Taggart: Call me Taggart.
Jack: Taggart. I'm not sure if you realise this but you've just assaulted and kidnapped a federal marshal.
Taggart: Yeah, sorry about that. Just doing my job.
Jack: Your job? What kind of job? Oh, "can't say", right?

Jack: Hang on, you're a dog catcher?
Taggart: Biological containment specialist.

Jack: It's just a dog, for crying out loud.
Taggart: Now you listen to me, friend. I've tracked polar bear across the arctic tundra. Dived with great whites off the Barrier Reef. Hunted with the Prides of the Serengheti. But none of it compares with what that animal has put me through. It's just a dog, Marshall. It's the devil himself.

Allison: (about Jack)The way I see it we have two options. We can get rid of him, or use him.
Jo: I know my preference.

Jack: So - um - back there when you said "get rid of him". Was that like, you know, 'buy him a bus ticket' get rid of him. Like, you know...

Jack: Where are you taking me? Area 51?
Allison: Please. They wish they had our security.

Jack: So where do you fit in in all this? I mean, no offense but you don't strike me as the science type.
Allison: I'm the government liason. It's my job to make sure the research being done here is -
Jack: Profitable.
Allison: I was going to say productive. Building a better tomorrow doesn't come cheap.

Jack: You've had problems before.
Allison: Occassionally.
Jack: Like?
Allison: Global warming.

Allison: Professor King is a nobel laureate and noted astrophysicist.
Jack: Wow. Um, well, I'm captain of my division softball team.

Warren King: Well, you must find all of this a bit shocking.
Jack: Well, I'm from L.A. Nothing shocks me.

King: No, my research involves using advanced pattern recognition software to trace cosmological events. So, unless you're afraid of a little math...
Jack: What about Section 5? Surely you have more than math locked up in there.

Allison: Are you questioning my professionalism?
Jack: It was a joke, but I forgot the DoD doesn't have a sense of humour.

Zoe: I'm getting takeout for me and Jo. Turns out we have a lot in common.
Jack: Like what?
Zoe: Like fighting an oppressive patriarchal society to express our feminine power.

Allison: Could that actually work?
King: Yeah, in theory it could. It would take a major recalculation though.
Jack: What's the matter, Warren? Are you a afraid of a little math?

Col. Briggs: I just got off an eighteen hour flight from Indonesia so before you speak, consider the impact this call will have on your career if it's not of monumental importance.
Soldier on Phone: It's Eureka, Sir. We've got a priority one situation.
Col. Briggs: Wake up the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee. Gather everybody in the 'cint room. Tell them the topic of discussion will be 'I told you so'.

Jack: If I was stuck in this cracker farm, I'd probably need a shrink too.

Allison: So, you and Beverly Barlowe.
Jack: Oh, we were just talking.
Allison: Is that why there's lipstick on your collar?
Jack: (checks his collar) ... I knew that.

Jack: Woah, woah, woah! Let's not shoot the crazy end of the world machine just yet, okay?

Jack: So you two are close then?
Allison: You know, the boyish charm act works better when you're showered and shaved.

Col. Briggs: Will somebody please explain to me what we're dealing with here?
King: From what we can gather it's a prototype tachyon accelerator.
Col. Briggs: In English, Professor.
King: I'll speak slowly for your benefit, Colonel.

Jack: Tell your grunt he's got two seconds before I make him eat the rifle.
Col. Briggs: That grunt is a force recon commando who could kill you a hundred different ways with his bare hands. The rifle's just his way of being polite.

Henry: I hate to interrupt but we have bigger issues at hand. Time in unravelling. The laws of physics are breaking down. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not the kind of thing that's going to stop at the city limits. Is it?

Jack: Jo, I need to get out of here. Do you think you can take him?
Jo: Please. (laughs dismissively) He's force recon.

Jack: (about Kevin) He just needs more time.
Col. Briggs: Yeah, like fifteen years and a College degree.

King: Henry, remember Groom Lake?
Henry: (laughs) Yeah, but this time we're sober!

Zoe: Are you apologising?
Jack: Well, um, no!
Zoe: Yes, you are!
Jack: No.
Zoe: You are. You're totally apologising to me.
Jack: Alright. Yeah. Yeah, I am sorry. Now, is there something you want to say to me?
Zoe: Nope.
Jack: Well, you're definitely my kid.

Jack's Boss: Relax, Carter, it's a promotion. Congratulations.
Jack: Define promotion.