1.02: Many Happy Returns

Allison: Taking a job and taking your life are not the same thing.
Jack: In this town - I'm not too sure.

Susan: What? What are you all staring at?
Jack: Sorry if we seem a bit unnerved, but we just buried you this morning.
Susan: You're unnerved? My parents called me in hysterics because they got an invitation to my funeral and a message saying that they had a grandson who needed a home. Which was all a big surprise to me seeing as how I'm not dead and I've never had a child.

Susan: Walter's dead?
Jack: Yeah, he sorta... blew himself up.

Jack: It's not like we have a standard form to un-dead you.
Jo: (coughs)
Jack: Tell me you're kidding.
Jo: 924/B. In triplicate.

Susan: Just do what you have to do. I just want to get back to my normal life.
Jack: I can relate.

Jack: That's super, Henry. Can we just hurry it up? I'm not a big fan of cemeteries.
Henry: Oh. One too many Romero films, huh?
Jack: One too many funerals.

Jack: (about Nathan) So, you two have a history?
Allison: You could say that.
Jack: What, ex-boyfriend?
Allison: Not exactly.
Jack: What exactly?
Allison: He's my husband.

Susan: Thanks for letting me stay with you.
Jo: Just don't tell the Sheriff that I've got a spare bedroom, okay?

Susan: Oh my god!
Jo: What? Did you see something? If you did there's this form that I've gotta get you to sign, so -

Jack: Okay. Don't sleep on the nuclear powered device. Good safety tip.

Fargo: Behold - the home of the future!

S.A.R.A.H.: Self Actuated Residential Automated Habitat. S.A.R.A.H. for short.
Jack: Fargo, is that you talking like a girl?

Jack: Fargo. If this house is so great, why is it sitting here vacant?
Fargo: S.A.R.A.H., door. Sleep tight.
Jack: I'm a human guinea pig.

Jack: So, S.A.R.A.H., is it?
S.A.R.A.H.: That's correct, Sherriff Carter.
Jack: Uh-huh. Can you see me?
S.A.R.A.H.: Yes, Sherriff Carter.
Jack: Terrific.

S.A.R.A.H.: Time to get up.
Jack: What?
S.A.R.A.H.: You had eight hundred thirty seven hours sleep.

Jack: Now if we could do something about the voice...
Fargo: Sorry, it's temp audio. Just waiting to hear back from Sarah Michelle Gellar's people. Rwar!
Jack: I don't even know how to respond to that.

Allison: That's why you collapsed? An electrolyte imbalance?
Nathan: I'm just telling you what the doctors told me.
Allison: And they have no idea what caused it?
Nathan: Yes. My electrolytes are out of balance.

Nathan: So, you sleeping with her?
Jack: Excuse me?
Nathan: You said I'd gotten the wrong impression. I assumed you were talking about my wife. Not that I have any right to ask.
Jack: You're right, you don't.
Nathan: You're not. But you'd like to.

Jack: Where's the video, Fargo?
Fargo: I dumped all the video in the trash, please don't hit me.
Jack: (rummaging in the rubbish bin) Where is it?
Henry: Carter!
Jack: What?
Jo: What are you, Amish? The computer.

Jack: Open the door!
S.A.R.A.H.: Due to technical difficulties, I cannot confirm visual identity at this time.
Jack: Okay, listen to my voice. Alright? It's me, Jack Carter.
S.A.R.A.H.: Voice recognition imprint is currently offline. And in the future when someone says they'll be home for dinner and they're running late, it's polite to call.
Jack: You're joking. You're mad at me!
S.A.R.A.H.: Sorry, but I am not programmed for this emotion at this time.
Jack: I'm gonna kill Fargo. (pause) I'm sorry. It won't happen again. (strokes the doorframe) I promise.