Stargate: Atlantis - Books

In which you sometimes find ourselves thinking that the authors have a much better handle on Rodney's sarcasm than the TV writers ever did.

01. Rising (Sally Malcolm)

The thing you had to remember about Dr. Rodney McKay was that, as far as he was concerned, the entire world - possibly the entire galaxy - conspired to frustrate him.

Weir: Dr. Beckett should be proud that he's genetically advanced -
Rodney: It's not advancement. It's a random characteristic.

Resisting the urge to pull the damn gene out of Beckett with a pair of tweezers, McKay forced himself to be reasonable.

McKay continuted, attempting to sound modest. He failed abysmally.

02. Reliquary (Martha Wells)

Sheppard: McKay, what do you think?
Rodney: I think you should stop exchanging facetious random babble with Ford and try to use your obviously overrated gene to make this damn thing work.

Kavanagh: Anything?
Rodney: Yes, there's an entire horde of Wraith about to descend on us. I just failed to mention it because I was waiting to be asked.

Rodney: In most movies, a place like this would come equipped with a horde of cannibalistic mutants, possibly with psychic powers.

Rodney: He means don't do anything stupid and get killed. This is an alien planet, possibly filled with things that will try to eat you. Listen to the man who had a giant bug attached to his neck, he knows.

Kolesnikova: You will call us if there is anything of interest?
Rodney: Call, scream, whichever seems more appropriate at the moment.

Kavanagh: Don't touch anything that glows.
Rodney: No, really? I'll try to resist the urge to lick the debris.

Rodney: I saw this in a movie once. Everybody died.

Rodney: Again, I point out that if I had seen indications of a ravening horde of something, I would have said, 'My God, Major, run!' rather than, 'This is odd.'

Sheppard: Ford's in charge.
Rodney: Oh, no kidding. I'll try not to stage a coup while you're gone.

Rodney: Can I not emphasise strongly enough the fact that you should shut up right now?

Rodney: Nothing proves your point, because your point is stupid and defeatist. Note that I said stupid first before defeatist, because that's the salient feature of your wholly ridiculous point.

Rodney: Crazy and desperate is standard operating procedure.

Rodney: And can we just get back to threatening me? Because frankly I'm not comfortable discussing my personal relationships with you, considering how you're planning to kill everyone I know.

04. Halcyon (James Swallow)

Rodney: Ming. That figures. Do you know he had the nerve to call this assignment boring? Good riddance to him. He's been bleating about getting a posting on the Battlestar Galactica ever since we got here...
Sheppard: You know Caldwell hates it when you call the Daedalus that?
Rodney: Yes, I am fully aware of how much it annoys him.

Rodney: Snow. I don't perform well in the cold, Colonel. I get the ah - The sniffles.

Rodney: I am not going to die cold and scared. I am going to die of old age surrounded by nubile graduate students and my many Nobel Prizes.

Rodney: True, but you have to remember that the majority of the Wraith have been dormant, although that's changed recently thanks to certain people.

Rodney: Yes, thank you both for that astute piece of architectural analysis. Perhaps you'd both like to assist me further by shutting the hell up?

Rodney: No, no, wrong wrong, dunce's hat for the corporal.

Rodney: Oh no. No, no, no - no. Please tell me that you were not so completely, so unreservedly, entirely downright mind-bogglingly dim-witted, that you have actually been waking up those Wraith on purpose?

Rodney: Kelfer, here's a thought. Try to stay with me on this one, I know you find it hard to deal with sentences that have a lot of words in them - but how about, in future, you people just leave stuff alone that you're too dumb to understand?

Rodney: Sheppard, you idiot! Are you...? Is he actually doing that stupid eeny-meeny thing to find his way around?

Rodney: (watching camera feeds on the Wraith vessel) Behind you! Behind you! This is like watching one of those idiotic slasher movies! Sheppard! It's behind you!

Rodney: I'm not a coward! I just have a heightened level of self-preservation!

07. Casualties of War (Sonny Whitelaw & Elizabeth Christensen)

Rodney: Look, we have a lot of very bright people in this city, many of them with a disturbing talent for spectacular destruction.

Ronon: Could your equipment be broken?
Rodney: Gosh, it never occurred to me to check that before leaving on a vital mission. Why don't you check your gun, too, just in case?

Rodney: Now this is getting creepy.
Ronon: Want to explain?
Rodney: If I could, it wouldn't be creepy.

Sheppard: I gotta say, nothing makes a guy appreciate his position on the Atlantis food chain like being ordered to hold a flashlight.
Rodney: Many people with more postgraduate degrees than you have gotten me coffee, Colonel Uppity.

Sheppard: You're saying we blew a fuse?
Rodney: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, expect my version wasn't painfully simplistic and utterly superfluous to the point.

Rodney: The fact that I'm expected to obey the leadership of an overgrown teenager with rank is perpetually mind-boggling to me.

Rodney: Just for the record, my spine is being traumatised.

Rodney: Fill me in on what your blind flailing has accomplished so far while I work on a more prudent plan.

Rodney: Well, since Colonel Sheppard is likely to revoke my dessert priviliges if I don't come back with something that goes kaboom, let's narrow our focus on the weapons lab.

Kendall: Have you met yourself?
Rodney: Yes, respond to constructive criticism with personal insults. Very helpful.

Rodney: Nice work, Colonel Horror Movie Cliche. You're just asking for a mummified Ancient to fall out of a broom closet on you.

10. Nightfall (James Swallow)

Rodney: That wasn't a scream, all right? It was an exclamation.

Rodney: Great. Now we've established I'm not a Cyclon, can I please get to work?

Sheppard: But you can disarm it, right? I mean, you're Rodney McKay, genius guy. You do this sort of thing all the time. You thrive on it!
Rodney: The thing I thrive on the most is not being reduced to my component atoms.

Rodney: Please do not kick the alien super weapon while it is counting down to gigadeath.

Rodney: Just because this ship looks like a mallet, you don't have to use it like one!

12. Dead End (Chris Wraight)

Sheppard: OK, remind me again why I agreed to come down here with you?
Rodney: Because your devotion to duty knows no bounds, and I need your impeccable scientific credentials. That, or Zelenka's laid-up sick and you're the next best thing.

Sheppard: Quit complaining. You're the one that started all of this.
Rodney: I'm so glad you're here to point these things out.

Sheppard: But stay sharp, we don't know what we're getting into here.
Rodney: Oh I think we do. And it begins with a Capital T.

Sheppard: Looks pretty bad.
Rodney: Well, that's an astute comment, if I ever heard one. Why don't you take over the repairs? Perhaps I could hand you a wrench from time to time and make the coffee?

Sheppard: Nothing. Nada. Zilch. This baby's going nowhere.
Rodney: This endless positivity is really helping. Honestly, you should think about becoming a motivational speaker or something.

Rodney: Oh, let me see. We're stuck on a godforsaken rock on the edge of the galaxy with no supplies and no power. We can't send as much as a shopping-list back through the gate to Atlantis because the gate's been served-up well-done and we've got the only DHD on the whole damn planet and that's toast too. The people here are about to freeze themselves to death because they're too stupid to look for somewhere else to live. It's freezing cold. And I've got massive indigestion. So, yes, I'm not exactly the happiest I've ever been. But thanks a lot for asking.

Rodney: But, as I like to say on such occasions, where there's a Rodney, there's a way.

Rodney: It's frankly a marvel that I'm alive at all, let alone capable of reactivating the Jumper, ficing the Stargate, locating Teyla and Ronon, getting us out again, and... what's next? Oh yes, no doubt we'll be fixing Khost's climatic model so that none of the little children die.

Sheppard: You've started looking a little... crazy-eyed.
Rodney: You think so? God, that'll be the cold. I mean, my eyes are my best feature. Apart from my hair. And Jeannie always said I had a cute smile.

Rodney: The correct terminology, as I remarked earlier, is totally screwed.

Rodney: Let's not do that again: it's far too gribbly.
Sheppard: Gribbly?
Rodney: Technical term.

13. Hunt and Run (Aaron Rosenberg)

Rodney: Some ship we've never heard of before sends out a distress call and we go running to the rescue? Why? What are we, the interstellar version of AAA? 'Oh, don't worry, ma'am, it's just your drive coil - we'll have you flying again in not time'?

Rodney: Our missing is to explore this region, to catalog everything we find, and to improve our own knowledge, technology, and resources. How does ficing the flat on someone's space jalopy add to any of that?

He tried to put himself in Ronon's shoes - and failed miserably. So he tried to think like Sheppard instead. That was a little easier, though horribly limiting.

Rodney: I'm starting to enjoy this whole 'Rodney is too important to risk' attitude. You should definitely handle situations this way from now on.

14. Death Game (Jo Graham)

Rodney: (about Carter) It's just that our working relationship was fraught with unresolved sexual tension. It's kind of perverse, really, that her admiration for my professional acumen was seasoned both by jealousy and desire.

Rodney: Maybe it's time to face the fact that we aren't very good at this. Week before last we were taken prisoner by the Olesians and tied up in a hut. The week before that Cadman and I got sucked up by a Wraith Dart. Two weeks before that we spent 24 hours runnings around the woods in deadly solar radiation trying to catch Off-His-Gourd Ford while Ronon wanted Carson to operate on him in the wilderness witha penknife and a toothpick like something out of MacGyver. Before that... oh yeah. Before that we were besieged by an incredible number of pissed off Wraith! It's just possible that we're doing it wrong!

Rodney: I'm glad you guys are, you know... not dead. I thought... when we saw the wrecked jumper... There were all these jackals and I had to hunt for you all over the planet and you'd gotten yourselves captured by the Wraith and...
Teyla: We love you too, Rodney.

15. Brimstone (David Niall Wilson & Patricia Macomber)

Rodney: Cumby, do you know what time it is? There's a device in the lab - you'll know it from the digital readout with all the numbers and pretty colours? It's called a clock, and we use it to decide when is, and when is not, a good time to wake people up.

Rodney: Not now. Can't you see we're in the middle of something important here? Or do you come from some part of Earth where people talk all at once? Maybe the reason you know so much about the history of the Bible is because you come from Babel?

Rodney: Whatever we do let's not get into a situation where Rodney has plenty of time to save the day. In fact, let's see if we can't complicate it hopelessly, encrypt it using Ancient code, and - oh, yeah - why not make sure it only involves equipment we've never seen?

Cumby: I've noticed something.
Rodney: Oh really? Did you perhaps notice that I was busy? Did you notice that I was concentrating on something and think to yourself, 'Hey, if I went over and started talking to Dr McKay he'd be distracted, and maybe I could keep him from finding a way to get us out of this mess?'

Cumby: So what are you doing?
Rodney: I'm trying to work under incredibly cramped and uncomfortable conditions while idiots babble in my ear.

Rodney: I mean, you saw the wink, right? Sheppard winked. And a wink means a plan. That's why we went with them. He has a plan.
Cumby: What plan? What plan, Rodney?
Rodney: How should I know? I don't have a little Sheppard decoder tucked in behind my ear. I just know the wink.