Stargate: Atlantis - Season 1

In which Dr. Rodney McKay travels to the lost city of the Ancients, joins a gate team and establishes himself as the terror of the science labs.

1x01 & 1x02 - Rising, Parts I & II

Rodney: He's not even trying.
Weir: He's the one who discovered the gene this technology responds to.
Rodney: Yeah, well he said he wished he never had it.
Weir: Really?
Rodney: I know. Can you believe that?
Weir: We could always test you a third time, Rodney.
Rodney: That's very funny.

Weir: Dr. Beckett should be proud he's genetically advanced.
Rodney: He's not more advanced. It is a random characteristic.

Beckett: You don't understand, I break things like this.
Rodney: This device has survived for millions of years intact. It will survive you.

Rodney: Using power, using power, using power.

Sheppard: On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.
Rodney: I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.

Rodney: Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided there are still hundreds of permutations.
Sheppard: 720.
Rodney: Yes. I knew that, of course, I'm just surprised you did.

Sheppard: Flight, this is puddlejumper. We're go to launch.
Rodney: Alright, this is flight. I thought we were going with gateship?
Sheppard: Negative, flight.
Rodney: Stand by. It's a ship that goes through the gate... Fine.

1x03 - Hide and Seek

Rodney: Now you mention it, some of those Athosian women are pretty hot. And we did just save them from the Wraith so we gotta trade on that while we can, you know, before they discover we're not actually that cool.

Rodney: I'm sorry, medicine is about as much of a science as, oh I don't know, voodoo.

Rodney: Hit me.
Grodin: (swings at him) Ow! God!
Rodney: You didn't have to swing so hard. And notice that he didn't even hesitate.

Rodney: I'm invulnerable.
Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Rodney: In-vul-ner-able!

Beckett: He fainted.
Rodney: There's got to be a better word.
Beckett: 'Faint' is the proper medical term.
Rodney: I passed out from... manly hunger.

Sheppard: McKay's okay. He, uh, he fainted.
Rodney: Oh, yes, very sympathetic. Let's all mock the dying man.

Rodney: Well, I only know one thing for sure and that's that flying darkness that eats energy can only be very, very bad.

1x04 – Thirty-Eight Minutes

Rodney: Yes. Elizabeth, it's an extremely intriguing conundrum and one that I would love to discuss with you in detail until the stargate shuts down and this ship is cut in two!

Rodney: I just prefer apoxia to explosive decompression. It's a personal thing.

Sheppard: Knock it off.
Rodney: Oh, I apologise for being the only person who truly comprehends how screwed we are!

Rodney: I'm sorry. I react to certain doom a certain way. It's a bad habit.

1x05 – Suspicion

Zelenka: You enjoy military rations?
Rodney: I know. That's weird. Hospital food too. Only reason I don't like airplane food is you can't get seconds.

Rodney: It's a command subroutine I've never seen before.
Zelenka: What is its function?
Rodney: I don't know because I've never seen it before.

Bates: I can't imagine it'd be an worse than their original homeworld.
Rodney: That could just be failure of imagination on your part.

Rodney: You want me to go through her stuff?
Bates: We're looking for weapons, transmitters, recording devices, anything that looks like it's beyond the Athosians' level of technology.
Rodney: And if I don't find anything, we move on to a strip search?

Rodney: How could I possibly know that? What am I, answer man?

Sheppard: You seem nervous.
Rodney: No, I'm part of this team. I'm doing this.
Sheppard: Yes you are. I just said you seem nervous.
Rodney: Oh, really? I thought you said 'Rodney, you don't have to do this.'

1x06 – Childhood’s End

Rodney: I've read a lot of reports on SG teams on missions like this one. Specifically the mission reports of Colonel Samantha Carter. She and I worked together to avert global catastrophe a few years back. She and I... Anyways, what was I saying?

Sheppard: Do you think it's worth checking out?
Rodney: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilisation.
Sheppard: So, you think it's worth checking out?
Rodney: I'm sorry, yes. Energy field good.

Rodney: You make mistakes, I make mistakes. Let's not get caught up in the blame game.

Rodney: What are we going to tell them, Teyla? 'Listen kiddies, everything you believe to be true is wrong and trust us because, oh, we've been here almost an hour.'

Clea: Casta says you're a hundred years old. Are you?
Rodney: Who's Casta?
Casta: Me.
Rodney: Where you getting your information, Casta?

Rodney: Listen, Clea -
Casta: Casta.
Rodney: Whatever. You're supposed to be observing. Do you understand what that means, observing?
Casta: Observing?
Rodney: It means you're supposed to watch. Stay out of my way and watch.
Casta: Why?
Rodney: Because.
Clea: Because why?
Rodney: Because I say so.
Clea: Why?
Rodney: Because I can't get any work done with you buzzing around asking stupid questions in your stupid little voices. Now sit down and shut up!
Clea: (starts to cry)
Rodney: Oh, don't. Don't.
Casta: You're mean! (starts to hit Rodney's legs)
Rodney: Thank you for finally noticing.

Weir: Rodney, we can't just visit planets, take away their defences, uproot their cultures and bring them all back here to Atlantis.
Rodney: If they have a ZPM, yes we can.

Rodney: These things are usually plug and play. This device must be using an older version of Windows.

1x07 - Poisoning the Well

Rodney: Do you have any idea how complicated geothermal -
Sheppard: McKay.
Rodney: ... I'm sure it'll work like a charm.

Rodney: He blinked? What does that mean?
Sheppard: It means he's still holding on but he's indicated to me that he may break soon.
Rodney: And he indicated this to you by blinking?

1x08 – Underground

Rodney: I know, it's getting desperate. We're almost out of coffee.
Sheppard: Well, maybe you should stop drinking eleven cups a day.
Rodney: I'm just making sure I get my fair share before it's all gone.

Rodney: Maybe we should offer a sense of humour in trade.
Sheppard: Sure. They can have yours.
Rodney: Oh, please, my side. You slay me.

Sheppard: I'm just trying to get my bearings.
Rodney: Translation: I'm lost.

Sheppard: I prefer a straight line.
Rodney: Yes, of course, because everything's a shortcut in Sheppard's world.

Sheppard: Define strange.
Rodney: You don't know what strange means? Weird, freakish, odd...

Rodney: You know, if people could just learn to keep their secret underground hatches locked...

Sheppard: You know how to make an A-bomb?
Rodney: Major, most of my high school chess team could design an A-bomb.

Sheppard: Look, what you people do with your C4 is none of our business. We just need food. As far as your little secret down here goes…well, uh…
Rodney: We say, 'What giant underground bunker?'

Rodney: I built an atomic bomb for my grade six science fair exhibit.
Ford: They let you do that up in Canada?
Rodney: It was a working model. Still, I was questioned for six hours by the CIA who believed I was part of a secret pre-teen organisation.

1x09 – Home

Rodney: There's such a thing as pure science. Not everything has to be immediately useful.

Ford: You wanna take the DHD apart?
Rodney: I'll put it back together again.
Teyla: Do you not run the risk of disabling the other stargate?
Rodney: Only if I screw up, which is extremely unlikely.

Sheppard: 804 years.
Rodney: What?
Sheppard: That's how long it will take us to come get you by puddlejumper.
Rodney: But you would do that, right?

Rodney: Atlantis can't afford to lose me. I'm their foremost expert in gate theory, wormhole physics and a myriad of other sciences too numerous to mention yet too important to ignore.

Ford: So what you're saying is you're invaluable everywhere?
Rodney: Granted, it would create a void if I were to go, but you could take comfort in the knowledge that I'll be on the other side spearheading the effort to return with reinforcements, fresh supplies and Big Macs for all.

Answering Machine: You have no new messages.
Rodney: Huh. Must have been a power failure or something.

Rodney: This might as well say 'bing tiddle tiddle bong'. I mean, it's complete gibberish.

Weir: I'm not a scientist, Rodney.
Rodney: Well, neither is anyone else around here apparently. Otherwise they would have noticed that the laws of physics seems to have flown out the window.

Rodney: It's like looking through a microscope at a cell culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters - it's impossible!
Weir: Rodney, you need to calm down.
Rodney: No, no. What I need to do now is get very agitated because what I'm realizing is all this is a lie!

Rodney: The cute brunette... Of course. I should have known. How do you go from 'you're a pig but I like your cat' to 'I missed you'?

Rodney: I don't mean to sound negative because that would be, you know, so not me...

1x10 - The Storm

Rodney: Now, that for reasons too boring to get into, means that hurricanes are much more likely to occur.
Zelenka: Well, like El Nino, the ocean bas-
Rodney: Like I said, too boring to get into.

Rodney: You're right! If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on earth. Did you bring yours?

Rodney: It's, uh, a brisk walk away.
Sheppard: And by brisk you mean far.
Rodney: And by walk I mean run.

Koyla: What are you doing here?
Rodney: By my understanding, I'm being held hostage.

Kolya: Isn't that the work of someone less important?
Rodney: Hmm, you'd think so, wouldn't you?

1x11 - The Eye

Rodney: I'm a terrible bluffer. I've lost twelve fortunes at poker. My eye twitches, I laugh inappropriately - it's not pretty.

Koyla: You said this would work.
Rodney: I don't know if you noticed or not, but I'm an extremely arrogant man who tends to think all of his plans will work!

1x12 - The Defiant One

Abrams: Did you just say 'this baby'?
Rodney: That's perfectly appropriate space pilot parlance.

Rodney: I'm flying in a straight line.
Sheppard: Not so much.
Rodney: Well, in space all motion is relative.

Sheppard: This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive.
Rodney: Okay, I'm both insulted and touched by that.

Sheppard: It's too small to be a hive ship.
Rodney: Well, it's been here for a very long time, maybe they've discontinued that model.

Sheppard: He's aboard my ship.
Rodney: What are you, Captain Kirk?!

1x13 - Hot Zone

Rodney: Alright you clowns, listen up. I don't often get a chance to say this so savour it. Good work, boys and girls.
Rodney: That's the plan, yes.
Peterson: May I say it's a terrible one.
Rodney: No, you may not.

Rodney: Don't worry, my motives are based entirely on self-preservation.

Rodney: Is this really necessary? I'm about to die of a brain aneurism, how does being attached to a heart monitor help?
Beckett: If you die like the others, we'll have a better idea of how.
Rodney: At that point, I will cease to care.

Rodney: Listen, I have a sister. We're not close. I don't even know how you'd find her.
Ford: Don't talk like that.
Rodney: She's the only family I really have, so someone should tell her what happened and, uh, make it sound good, okay? Tell her I died saving someone. Kids. I died saving kids, a bunch of them.

Rodney: Tell everyone that I was, I was inches away from a Theory of Unification but, uh, the notes were lost when I died saving the, the...
Zelenka: Kids.
Rodney: Yeah.

Weir: You're saying the virus is designed to only kill humans?
Rodney: Well, I'm human.

Sheppard: Should I pay attention to all these warnings?
Rodney: Not today, no.

1x14 – Sanctuary

Rodney: So, just to confirm: we're all still definitely not dead?

Rodney: Well, assuming that we're still alive and there doesn't seem to be any damage as a result of the pulse, I think we can safely conclude that uh, hmm, ehm... I got nothing. I got nothing to conclude. I'm just talking for the sake of talking.

Rodney: Do you know how much I hate certain death?

Sheppard: Let's just stay on our best behaviour.
Rodney: I'm always on my best behaviour.

Rodney: So, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, hm?

Zarah: We ask only to be left alone and in peace.
Rodney: So, untold thousands, possibly millions, of people will die out there when they could have been saved. All in the name of Athar. How very, very peaceful of you.

Grodin: It would appear to be an internal/external biometric sensor array.
Rodney: See now, sadly I understood that. Where did all those Saturday nights go?

Weir: I asked Major Sheppard to keep an eye on her.
Rodney: Which is like asking the fox to guard the hen house.

Rodney: A word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.
Sheppard: What routine?
Rodney: Romancing the alien priestess? It’s very 1967 of you.

Weir: Alright, but be discrete.
Rodney: Hey, I'm Mr. Discrete.

1x15 - Before I Sleep

Sheppard: What am I, your realtor, Rodney? We're here to unlock the secrets of Atlantis.
Rodney: Yeah, well, I'm looking for a one bedroom with a den, preferrably with a balcony but I'm not married to it.

Weir: She said, "it worked."
Rodney: What does that mean?
Sheppard: I assume something worked.
Rodney: Yes, that's very sharp.

Rodney: Let's not be too quick to exclude the possibility that the woman might be, um - what is the clinical term? - nuts.

Sheppard: Not to mention a really nice DeLorean.
Rodney: Don't even get me started on that movie.

Rodney: I almost killed her. You. ... How weird is that?

Rodney: I mean, simply put, this interpretation states that, eh, the universe is in fact split into an infinite number of copies of itself in which every possible outcome to every decision ever made all exist somewhere in this infinitely layered, multi-universe.
Weir: Simply put?
Rodney: Yeah. In a nutshell.

Rodney: Well. A man wonders how he would choose to go out given such dire circumstances. Now I know.

Rodney: Well, it's obvious, the Puddlejumper they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. It had to have an additional component built into it.
Sheppard: Flux capicator.
Rodney: ... Yeah.

Rodney: Ha! Ah, the bitter taste of ultimate failure, hmmm?
Sheppard: Well, if you'd just figured out how to fix the damn shield in the first place, none of us would have died.
Rodney: I did everything I could, including valiantly attempting to save your sorry-

1x16 - The Brotherhood

Rodney: Now, there may very well be hundreds of Zero Point Modules hidden in this galaxy but the only one we are remotely sure of is here. Here. Now, if you ever want to go home, if you ever want to protect Atlantis from the Wraith, we need to find this.

Rodney: My kind of science is the good kind of science. The kind you can do sitting in a chair or even laying on a couch.

Rodney: I'm heading to bed.
Sheppard: Which bed might that be.
Rodney: ... What?
Ford: I think Allina might have a little crush on you, Doc.
Rodney: What? She does?
Teyla: It is very clear to us all.
Rodney: It is?
Sheppard: Well, everyone but you apparently.
Rodney: Well, should I have, um, let me see, um. Are you sure about this?
Sheppard: Yeah, pretty sure.
Rodney: What should I do?
Sheppard: You don't know what to do?
Rodney: I know what to do eventually. I mean what should I do now? Should I say something, something tonight?
Sheppard: I'll tell you what, Valentino, wait till tomorrow. You'll be more on your game after you get some rest.
Rodney: Right, right. Good answer.

Rodney: Well, you know, just because you originally thought it was a map doesn't make your initial assumption bad or incorrect. I mean - well, incorrect, yes, but uh, it was a good guess.
Allina: I'm sorry?
Rodney: You're very, very, ah, smart and uh, attractive and whatnot. And, um, ah, ah, you know, you have a lot of things going for you, even when things don't... you know.
Allina: Is everything alright?
Rodney: Yeah, everything's great. It's great. Everything's really going, why, why wouldn't it be?

Rodney: So. Who wants to go first? Seems sorta like a Sheppard thing.

Rodney: You all have guns. Someone give me a knife.

Sheppard: I'm not gonna shut up, Rodney, my life's at stake.
Rodney: Exactly. So simmer down and let me save it.

Sheppard: You ever heard the phrase, two heads are better than one?
Rodney: It's a common misconception.

Rodney: How did you know that?
Sheppard: It was on a Mensa test.
Rodney: You're a member of Mensa?
Sheppard: No, but I took the test.
Rodney: When?

Rodney: My eyes. I need my eyes for seeing!
Sheppard: Get the ZPM, Rodney.
Rodney: It's a small miracle I can still make out shapes, that's all I'm saying.

1x17 - Letters from Pegasus

Rodney: To that end, I actually have an idea in addition to panic.
Sheppard: Let's hear it.
Rodney: It's really a long shot but I think it's most likely worth the effort. Of course, it'll mostly be my effort, so...

Rodney: Approximately 1.3 seconds, give or take.
Beckett: That's not much time.
Ford: Time enough to say 'S.O.S.'
Rodney: Don't be so analog.

Weir: We have a whole extra second to fill?
Rodney: Hmmm. A whole extra one, yes.

Ford: You ready to record your message?
Rodney: Already done. Actually, I took the liberty of doing mine in private. Now, it may require some, uh, editing.
Ford: Editing?
Rodney: Yeah, I, uh, I went on a bit. Actually, I used the entire tape.
Ford: You talked for an hour?
Rodney: You see, I found it rather theraputic, actually. Now, I'm fairly confident I've come up with several valuable insights - in fact, I'm sure of it - but I've only slept six hours in the last few days so um...
Ford: Who's it for?
Rodney: Humanity in general. My sister. Look, I don't expect you to cut it down to just a few minutes. I mean, there is gold in here.

Rodney: This is Doctor Rodney McKay speaking to you from my base of operations in the lost city of Atlantis, located deep within the Pegasus galaxy. I record this message on the eve of our darkest hour. As I speak, an alien armada of biblical proportions is on its way, bent - dare I say hellbent, in keeping with the metaphor – on our destruction. We will do our best to stave off their attack but I am afraid that defeat is all but inevitable. I, and the other members of my team, face the most horrific deaths imaginable, as our very lives are sucked from our chests in a, in a, horrific - Okay, uh, starting again. Starting again. Ford, just cut that.

Rodney: My friends. I'm Doctor Rodney McKay of the Atlantis expedition and as the facts of our heroic struggle against the Wraith and our untimely demise are already known to you, in that light, I'd like to pass along some final thoughts. Now my extensive education, training and first hand experience in the field of astrophysics has given me a unique perspective that few on Earth or, uh, well, on any other planet, for that matter, can match. I'd like to take a few moments now to, uh, pass along that perspective to you. I'll begin with em, a few observations on a subject that is both near and dear to my heart: leadership.

Rodney: No, no, no, no, no. No. This sequence first, then the secondary code. Unless you're intentionally trying to blow us up, in which case, excellent work!

Rodney: I once caught mono kissing a girl in Algebra Club. Missed an entire month of school. Still, the kiss was, uh, something, so it was, uh, probably worth it. April Bingham. Cute blonde. God. You see, I love blondes, especially with the, uh, the short hair. Mmm. Samantha Carter, if you're watching, the torch is still burning. Sadly, soon to be extinguished, but, uh...You know, you should know – I think you are, you're great. You're really, really great, and, uh, I would go so far as saying you're the hottest scientist I've ever worked with. In fact, there's probably not a night that goes by that I don't, uh, find myself, uh...okay, Ford, let's, let's lose that. And, uh, let's get back to... leadership.

Rodney: I never cared for dogs. Too much work, too needy, too unpredictable. I mean, you leave one door open the tiniest little cracks and they're gone. You look for them, you put up flyers, it's no use. And since your father refused to pay for a license, the animal shelter has no way of tracking them. You know, god knows what happened to that little guy. Now, cats. Now, that's a while different story. I mean, cats are self-sufficient, they're dependable. You shake the box, they come running. A cynic would say that's because of the food, but my cat? See, I truly believe he enjoys my copany. There's something very comforting about coming home from work and the end of the day and having a familiar face waiting for you, you know? Still, I digress. Where was I? Uhhhh... Right. Leadership.

Rodney: That's another sight I'll die without having seen. See, to be fair, when you've travelled as much as I've travelled, you'd think that missing Niagra Falls would be no big deal, but you know what? It gnaws at you. A lot of movies I wish I'd seen, won't see now. Never saw Grease even though I had a thing for Olivia Newton John when I was a kid. I always wanted to see Ghandi. I only saw the first half of The Sixth Sense. I've always wondered how that ended.

Rodney: My sister... Ford, if you cut everything else, just, um, keep this part, OK? Jeannie? This is your brother, Rodney ... obviously. I wanna say, um ... I wanna say something. Uh ... family is important. I-I've come to realise that because the people here have become a sort of a ... kind of a surrogate family to me. Now, I know what you're thinking: I've never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment but, uh, when ... when one's contemplating one's own demise, one tends to see things more clearly. I really do wish you the best, you know, and I'm sorry we weren't closer. Perhaps, um ... if by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we can be, and I would like that.

1x18 - The Gift

Weir: I want options.
Rodney: You mean besides crying ourselves to sleep? Well not me. I haven't slept in days.

Rodney: Shockingly, for the first time ever, I find myself having to agree with Kavanagh.

Sheppard: All I'm saying is let's not give up... Just yet.
Rodney: Now what was that we were supposed to all remember. Let me see, something important... Ah... Oh yes, that's right, the Alamo.

Rodney: I was just, um... (whispers) we're seeing each other.
Teyla: You and Doctor Heightmeyer?
Rodney: Well, you know how much I love women with great, um... minds.

Weir: I wonder...
Rodney: Just so you know, you didn't actually finish that sentence out loud.

Rodney: So you think this, this Wraith scientist was trying to make humans what? More tasty?

Rodney: All we know is that the Ancients might have accidentally created the Wraith and why Teyla can sense them coming. I mean, fabulous, mystery solved. But neither of which help in any way to stop them from coming.

1x19 – The Siege, Part I

Rodney: Not only has Teyla been able to ascertain that the Wraith are more interested in Earth than Atlantis - which is, you know, terrifying.

Rodney: In military parlance: surprise is... an element on our side.

Rodney: Now, I realise I am invaluable everywhere, but -
Zelenka: You know what? Forget about it. I take it back. No.
Rodney: Sorry, nope. You can't take it back because you've just admitted that I am smarter than you are.
Zelenka: I admitted no such thing!
Rodney: It was hard for you say, but the truth shone through when you were compelled to speak.
Zelenka: You are a miserable, little man.
Rodney: Hey, hey, hey, let's not ruin the moment here, huh?

Grodin: Sorry. I assumed it would come on more slowly.
Rodney: Well you assumed with my life.

Rodney: Your masterful grip on the blatantly obvious continues to impress me, Peter.
Grodin: We could draw straws.
Rodney: Oh, brilliant. Okay, Miller, break out the straws.

Miller: You're the best qualified to fix it anyway, Sir.
Rodney: Mm. Flatter the dead man.

Rodney: This is bad, very bad. I'm not sure I can fix this.
Grodin: You can fix anything.
Rodney: Who told you that?
Grodin: You did. On several occassions.
Rodney: Well you're right. Probably a good thing I drew the short straw.

1x20 - The Siege, Part II

Beckett: I'm serious, Major Sheppard's your man.
Rodney: Of course he is, but he's training pilots and deploying space mines right now, so we're stuck with you.

Rodney: I knew this was going to happen.
Everett: Is that a fact?
Rodney: Yes, it's a fact! Look, you show up here with your guns and your brush cuts, but when it comes to actually saving the city you turn to the scientists. And everytime, what you ask is impossible.

Rodney: We're building nuclear bombs here. Staying awake is sort of a prequisite.