Stargate: Atlantis - Season 5

In which Rodney continues to play well with others, almost loses his mind and starts up a new romance.

5x01 – Search and Rescue

Lorne: What are you doing?
Rodney: I'm claustrophobic, I'm trying to keep my mind busy which is hard because, you know, it's my mind.

Teyla: (going into labour) Now, you need to catch him.
Rodney: Catch him?
Teyla: Yes, you need to catch him when I push him out.
Rodney: Oh God! Okay, well just... underhand him, all right? I've never been good at baseball.

Rodney: I am great with kids. The little ones that don’t talk back.

Ronon: How are we supposed to get off the ship now?
(everyone looks at McKay)
Rodney: I just delivered a baby, that's not enough for today?

5x03 - Broken Ties

Sheppard: You got anything?
Rodney: Ah, nothing. I tried everything. Pacing, snacking, bathing.
Sheppard: Bathing?
Rodney: Yeah, like Archimedes.
Sheppard: You mean the Greek scientist who had a crush on Teyla?
Rodney: No, like the Greek mathematician who came up with the Archimedes principle.

5x04 – The Daedalus Variations

Sheppard: What are you talking about?
Rodney: I'm telling you, she's hiding him from me.
Sheppard: She's not hiding him.
Rodney: Oh yeah? Every time I go to see him, she tells me that he's just settled down.
Sheppard: Can you blame her? You dropped him.
Rodney: I did not drop him. He jumped.
Sheppard: Jumped?
Rodney: Well, he wiggled out of my arms. Look, I said I was sorry. Besides, how much damage could I possibly have done? He fell, like, maybe two feet. Stuff like that happens all the time. I was dropped like a dozen times when I was a kid.

Sheppard: Have you made any progress?
Rodney: As a matter of fact, yes we have.
Sheppard: We?
Rodney: Me and the other McKay, who, unsurprisingly, is a genius.

Rodney: In a spectacular feat of multi-dimensional mathematics, I have discovered a way to send the ship back along the path it previously traveled bypassing the navigation system all together.
Sheppard: Wait a minute, you're talking about putting this thing in reverse?
Rodney: Exactly.
Sheppard: I just suggested that two hours ago.
Rodney: And naturally I dismissed it out of hand. But then I realized that, including the original designer, not one but two versions of myself have failed to make this work. I had to think not like me. In fact, I had to think the opposite of me, and it doesn't get more opposite than you.
Sheppard: … I'll take that as a compliment.

5x05 - Ghost in the Machine

Ronon: What the hell was that thing?
Teyla: It just appeared out of nowhere.
Rodney: And that shriek scared the crap out of me.
Sheppard: Kind of a... flying monkey.
Rodney: Flying monkeys! What is this, the planet of Oz?

5x06 – The Shrine

Rodney: Been trying to remember the name of my sister's kid.
Sheppard: Betty.
Rodney: Betty? Pretty sure that's not it.
Sheppard: It's Madison. See, at least you remember what it wasn't.
Rodney: Well, it's an underrated skill.
Sheppard: I'm just saying you might not be as far gone as you think.
Rodney: I'm hiding it. Believe me, I've already forgotten more than most people will ever know. And I know that sounds… arrogant. Is that right?
Sheppard: Yeah, that works.

Rodney: What is this place?
Ronon: It's the Shrine of Talus.
Rodney: That means nothing to me.
Ronon: It's a planet of the Ancestors. We brought you here.
Rodney: Thank you, Mr. Information! Look, since when did he become Ronon the Explainer?

Teyla: It is the gift of the Shrine, and from all of us who risked great danger to bring you here. One last chance to be with those you love.
Rodney: And then what? I die?!
Ronon: With honour.
Teyla: And dignity.
Rodney: Yeah, well, screw that! I'll just stay here!

Rodney: D'you have some kind of itinerary planned? Sheppard: Well, actually, we're gonna have a big feast first.
Rodney: Last supper, huh?
Sheppard: Well, suits your Messiah complex.
Rodney: True.

Rodney: Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house.
Sheppard: I’m not the one doing the surgery.
Rodney: (to Keller) Yeah, and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things!

Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You’re not going to feel a thing.
Rodney: Yeah, it’s probably a hammer.

5x08 - The Queen

Keller: What happens now?
Rodney: If history has taught us anything, it's that this is the part where we get double-crossed.

Rodney: Seriously, next time we have to name one of these guys we should have a vote.

5x09 – Tracker

Rodney: Mind your step, sir.
Woman: Sir?
Rodney: Ma'am, sorry. Uh... You have a... (to Ronon) That is clearly a mustache!

Ronon: It’s going to be dark soon.
Rodney: Actually, we have two hours, 43 minutes, and 17 seconds. This planet’s sun currently has a very gradual angle of descent and a very short night. I always make it a point to download the planetary data on every address I dial, even goodwill missions. Yeah, things like atmospheric conditions, soil consistencies, available water supplies… What?
Ronon: Just wondering how long you’d make it out here without your little gadgets.
Rodney: You know, I think you’d be surprised, you know. I may not be exactly what you’d call an outdoors person. But that doesn’t mean I don’t find the Man vs. Nature thing uninteresting. Hell, I joined a scouting organization when I was a child. Lodge 14 of the Fort McMurray Eager Beavers.
Ronon: Beavers?
Rodney: Yep, large rodent, big teeth. They use ‘em to chop down trees and build dams. Very industrious. I was with them for a few months before they asked me to leave, but I got the manual, still have it… Scouting for Beavers. Valuable resource.

Rodney: I’m sorry, but I guarantee you at some point you’re going to need my help. You’ll see. There’ll be some problem you can’t solve, and then you’ll turn to me. I’ll figure it out in the nick of time. And you’ll say 'Good job' or just grunt or slap me on the back harder than necessary.

5x10 – First Contact

Jackson: He wouldn’t want anyone around when he came in and out of his lab.
Rodney: Ooh, like the Batcave.
Jackson: Yes. Just like the Batcave.

Jackson:It's a puzzle. I think we need to activate these in a specific order.
Rodney: You mean, like a three digit code? D'you know how easy that'd be to break. There's only six variations!
Jackson: Well, maybe we need to activate them a number of times in a specific order. I don't suppose you recognise any of these three notes?
Rodney: What, do you mean, like, does it remind me of Janus' favourite Brian Eno track? No, no such luck.

Rodney: Doesn’t that bother you? I mean, no vindication, no recognition, no credit.
Jackson: Well, I could say the same thing about you. The discoveries you’ve made, you probably could’ve won the Nobel Prize five times over by now.
Rodney: Too true. So, I guess none of us signed up to get famous, huh?
Jackson: No, we did it for the money.
Rodney: Good one. Wait a minute, you don’t get paid more than I, do you? You do?

Rodney: They’re going to kill you, we don’t have a choice.
Jackson: Yes we do.
Rodney: Okay, so I do nothing, they come in here, they kill you, who gets killed next, huh? Me. To tell you the truth here, I’m quite fond of me. So I might as well do it when you’re still alive, as opposed to, you know, then.

Rodney: You still alive?
Jackson: I think so. I’d hate to think Heaven looks like this.
Rodney: Who says we went to Heaven?

5x11 – The Lost Tribe

Rodney: This is an Ancient facility and Rodney McKay knows a thing or two about Ancient facilities.
Jackson: You know, it has been clinically proven that referring to yourself in the third person is a sign of mental instability, right?
Rodney: Mentally unstable like a fox.

Rodney: Oh my God, please don't kill me, you need me.
Jackson: Rodney?
Rodney: Us, us. You need us.

Jackson: You want to clear the device control room of bad guys, right?
Rodney: Yes.
Jackson: So why would you assume if there's a massive explosion people would go running towards it?
Rodney: I would.

Rodney: Explosion diversions are the very cornerstone of diversions!
Jackson: You don’t have any better ideas.
Rodney: I don’t have any better ideas, no.

Jackson: So you can only give compliments to the dying?
Rodney: It’s something I’m working on.

5x12 – Outsiders

Beckett: How long is this going to take, Rodney?
Rodney: Do I rush you while you’re performing complicated surgery?
Beckett: Aye, it’s been known to happen.

5x14 – Prodigal

Lorne: I thought Michael was dead.
Zelenka: As did I.
Lorne: I mean we blew up his ship, right?
Rodney: He's the one who stole our Jumper, used it to escape from his cruiser before we could destroy it. He's like a cockroach. You know, every time you step on him he just skitters away.

Sheppard: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Rodney: It was the next thing on my list.
Sheppard: You said you were gonna fix them.
Rodney: I know, and I was getting to it, swear.
Sheppard: And you had two years.
Rodney: I've been busy.

5x15 – Remnants

Zelenka: Yeah, um, anyway, on the way back I had an idea.
Rodney: Well, have a little lie down. It'll pass.

Zelenka: Oh, you’ll think of something.
Rodney: Really? What makes you so sure?
Zelenka: Well, because you’re brilliant.
Rodney: That’s true, that doesn’t mean I’m going to… Wait a minute, what did you say? Why did you say that? Are you sick? Am I sick? What have you heard?
Zelenka: No, nobody’s sick, Rodney. I said you’re brilliant, Rodney, because… you are. I rarely say it because you’re a difficult man to compliment. You’re egotistical, you’re arrogant, you’re stubborn…
Rodney: And brilliant.
Zelenka: Yes, Rodney, you’re brilliant.

Rodney: I’m not getting anywhere with that. I mean, despite the fact that I am a genius.
Zelenka: I said you were brilliant, I didn’t say you were a genius.
Rodney: Aw, same diff.

5x16 – Brain Storm

Rodney: Neil likes to steal things from me – things like women and theoretical physics ideas.

Bill Nye: See, back in the day whenever one of these people came up with a new idea or published a new paper, Dr. McKay here would swear that he was already working on something very similar. Just hadn’t gotten around to publishing it yet.
Neil Tyson: He’d say things like 'I was about to say that very same thing,' or 'I was just about to have that same idea.'
Rodney: Hey, at least I didn’t declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?

Rodney: Humble, eh? I guess I can try anything once.
Rodney: Hey, I’m Dr. Rodney McKay, all right? Difficult takes a few seconds, impossible, a few minutes.

5x17 – Infection

Keller: I just feel like I'm in over my head.
Rodney: What are you talking about?
Keller: I look at you, and Colonel Sheppard, the rest of the team and you guys are so used to making decisions that affect the lives of thousands, and even millions, of people. I'm not so used to having the fate of the galaxy hanging in the balance.
Rodney: Oh, that. You get used to it. Helps to have a massive ego.

Sheppard: What’s our status, Rodney?
Rodney: I’d say screwed is an apt description.

5x18 – Identity

Woolsey: What’s the occasion?
Rodney: Visiting a friend in the infirmary.
Woolsey: That’s very thoughtful of you, Rodney.
Rodney: I know.

Rodney: Yeah, yeah, of course he's fine. He's all perky and rosy cheeked and ready to go back to work.
Zelenka: I don't know about that.
Beckett: He needs to get rest too, Rodney.
Keller: I agree. His wound was much more serious than mine.
Rodney: Really? I mean, you were shot. He was just stabbed.

5x19 – Vegas

Rodney: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a...little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space-time. Went through to an alternate version of reality, very similar to ours in many ways. Met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero... Saved the world several times over.
Sheppard: Doesn't sound much like me.
Rodney: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still... I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.

Zelenka: You are such a child.
Rodney: And yet I am still smarter than you.

Zelenka: (about the Wraith) Or he could have abandoned whatever resources he had and just gone into hiding.
Rodney: Oh, yes, he probably got a job as a Klingon at Star Trek: The Experience.