1.01 - The Pilot

Pete: So, what do you plan to do after Grad School?
Berg: Why can't you just let me be happy?
Pete: Because it's not fair to the rest of us.

Berg: (to Pete) Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning?

Pete: But you don't have asthma!
Berg: Don't need it! You know how they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?
Pete: Yeah...
Berg: Well I'm the guy who exceeds it so they know why you shouldn't.
Pete: Well I'm the guy who had to drive you to the hospital when that new footspray made your toenails fall off.
Berg: They grew back thicker!

Sharon: If I close this deal today, I make comission on 500 gallons of toxic cleaner I'm selling to some oil rig. So, I can enjoy a weekend at the Cape while killing off all sealife between here and Guam.

Pete: I've got everything planned out. The blue cards - why it's best for her; the yellows - why we should stay friends; and the pinks - things to say when she starts to cry.

Berg: I always leer. It'd be suspicious if I didn't leer.

Bill: I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work.
Berg: This is harmless.
Bill: Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop.

Melissa: (to Pete) Ten years from now, when you're fat and alone and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your hair transplants, remember: you had a good thing here and you blew it.

Berg: So, you get the account?
Sharon: Yep. One more account for me, one less species of bird.

Sharon: You're right. I mean I could do anything I want. I'm smart.
Bill: Absolutely right.
Sharon: I'm motivated.
Bill: Yes, you are.
Sharon: I'm a people person.
Bill: I gotta go back and count my pepperonis.

Berg: Shar, you're a lotta things, but a people person? It goes the Unabomber, then you.

Sharon: (to Pete and Berg) Jeez, you two fight like a coupla broads. Kick his ass, Pete!

Berg: 7.48. Having used eight hundred times the recommended daily dosage, now experiencing a side effect: feeling extremely honest and forthright. ... I've never been more afraid in my life.

Berg: I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life so I went over there to get you guys back together.
Pete: And?
Berg: And she never wants to speak to you again.

Berg: There's no blueprint for life. First it's myosis - out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big old anuerism and you slump over your desk. Okay, everything inbetween just happens, Pete. Enjoy it.

Sharon: I didn't even get a tip.
Berg: You told a customer to shut up or you'd bash his head in with a shovel!

1.02 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation

Berg: Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it, I'll be all grown up.

Pete: Dr. Bergen to table four, stat.
Berg: Damnit, Pete, I'm a doctor not a waiter.

Pete: Sharon, you work for a chemical company. You have no ethics.

Pete: What are you doing? I thought you were studying.
Berg: I am.
Pete: You're watching General Hospital.
Berg: Studying General Hospital.

Berg: What the hell king of side effect is delusional? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrohea?!

Pete: My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern minilism - more modern mimilist - I'm sorry. A more mimilist... just new and simple.

Berg: I screwed up big time.
Pete: Finally, an accurate diagnosis.

1.03 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy

Pete: Oh, Berg. No more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember that my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: And, Berg, what colour would you say that couch is?

Berg: (to Sharon) It's Thursday. You can't have plans.
Pete: Yeah, it's your night to come down to the pizza place and watch us work!

Berg: And if you guys need anything else, just call for me. My name's 'Hey! You're darn good looking.'

Bill: (about Berg's talking shoes) Keep those sneakers quiet or I'm gonna tear their tongues out.

Bill: Oh, what a shame. Having to go out with your own girlfriend.
Pete: No, I love Melissa. Just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean, every time they miss a shot she says "It's gonna be okay, sweetie".
Bill: What does Sharon do?
Pete: Well, Sharon screams "Hey, you make seven million a year, make the fucking shot!"

Berg: When the guy says "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride" we both yell "Yeah! On your Mom!"
Bill: Exercising the first amendment.

Pete: (to Sharon) First he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables. Next thing you know it's "C'mon, Shar, let's smoke some crack."

Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
Pete: Oh. Oh, well listen, I'll give you the name of her connection. THE POST OFFICE.

Berg's Shoes: Nothing can stop you - you're a winner!
Berg: 8.40. Firm arch support and emotional support.

Melissa: (to Sharon) I remember the first night Pete and I made love. You screamed "Knock it off down there, Pete, or I'll shoot your whore!"

Melissa: No, no, no. Rachel, we bite our food not our friends!

Pete: We'll just be ourselves!
Sharon: Please, don't. I really like this guy.

Berg: Does this make us selfish?
Pete: Not at all. Look, Sharon's not acting like herself, right? And, uh, any guy who forces her not be her, ought not to be with her.
Berg: ... Sold!

Pete: Anyone with a yard this nice, has to have something buried underneath.

Berg: We're gonna have to be -
Pete: No, no, no! Don't say it!
Berg: ... Mature.

Berg: I got stamps. Legends of the Rodeo. A thirty two set salute to a bygone era.
Pete: What's wrong with you?

Sharon: I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go and turn him into a husband.

Sharon: I finally find a guy I really like and he over commits.

1.04 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game

Berg: Just wait. This is important.
Sharon: It's Xena...
Berg: The Warrior Princess. She's unbelievable.
Sharon: Yeah, I'll say. It's 1603 and she's got implants.

Pete: Come on, Berg, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Berg: Pete, the game doesn't start for over two hours.
Pete: Yeah, I know, but you need to be there for warm-ups.
Berg: Why?
Pete: Cause we're playing the Bulls!
Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You... didn't make the team.

Berg: You suck the fun right out of it. If the Celtics win, you're an obnoxious, babbling fool. And if they lose, you pout for three hours and listen to Air Supply.

Pete: We're not gonna lose!
Berg: We are not playing. We're just sitting there, eating and drinking for two hours while you pretend you're the coach from seventy five rows back.

Sharon: I learned all about the letter 'S' today. That I'm a self-serving sell-out, who's giving our environment a super-slaughtering all for a sports car and a salary!

Berg: What would Xena do?

Pete: How on earth did you get it?
Berg: You remember the McGyver where he had to get into that Federal vault using only a stapler and a Q-tip?

Pete: This is amazing! It's - it's fantastic! It's a felony!
Berg: Only if they find out.

Sharon: You are not dealing with normal people here. These people are sports fans. These people barbecue in their cars!

Pete: We're gonna go to jail. No, no, no. I'll go to jail, you'll wind up with the lucky prison number and they'll send you on a cruise.
Berg: Just relax.
Pete: Berg, I don't think you realise how cute we look to larger men.

1.05 - Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment

Mrs. Wechsler: It is Melissa, isn't it? The little school teacher who laughs during intercourse.

Berg: Sneaky. Vaguely Unethical. Approved!

Bill: Berg, you've been on the clock for forty five minutes and you've already had seven slices of pizza.
Berg: I'm hungry.
Bill: So's my family.

Sharon: This one must be one of yours. Some girl named Honey Labrador. She sounds naked... Ooops, I deleted it!

Pete: A picture says portrait, a portrait says family.
Sharon: And what's wrong with that?
Pete: I don't wanna lead her on.
Sharon: I know, why don't you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl. You know, so as to not 'lead her on'.

Berg: You know, Pete, nothing says 'I love you' like a pathetic lack of commitment.

Berg: She seemed neighbourly.
Sharon: You only liked her because she can lick her own back.

Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
Berg: No way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
Sharon: Well, he likes his privacy.
Berg: Because he's a serial killer.

Berg: You just take your little files and pick the one you want because my opinion obviously doesn't mean anything. It's always about you so just do whatever!

Berg: How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man.

Pete: Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work every day happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children, after you've spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins.

Mr. Bauer: Pete, my boy, I think I might be able to shed some light on your situation. You're screwed!

Pete: When she comes into the pizza place you just treat her like everyone else.
Sharon: Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change.

1.06 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team

Berg: Pete, I have a dream. A dream where women are free to roam all fields. Not just right, but centre, left, and yes, short-stop.
Sharon: Even pitcher?
Berg: Sorry, kitten, that's mans work.

Pete: We're just going to step over here, into reality.

Berg: Don't forget why we got into this.
Pete: What? To be shallow and manipulate women?

Sharon: (to Berg) Are you, like, a compulsive liar, or can you control it?

Berg: She's a champion pole dancer. They retired her thong.

Berg: You know, I'm thinking of specialising in exotic dance medicine.

Berg: If you don't pull April out right now we're gonna lose. Are you willing to sacrifice the team just so you can have sex?!
Pete: Yes.
Berg: I've gotta respect that.

1.07 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery

Sharon: Man, Berg's really buring the midnight oil with this Med School thing.
Pete: I know, he's obsessed.
Berg: Okay. I need to see somebody's rectum.

Berg: Excuse me, it is completely right and exactly what you need.
Pete: Who are you tell me what I need.
Berg: I'm your doctor.

Berg: Pete, they may call it a stethescope, but this is a babe magnet.

Pete: Berg. Berg, what are we gonna do with two women we picked up in a bar?
Berg: Don't make me get my anatomy book.

Berg: Who wants a drink?
Claudia: Scotch.
Valerie: Vodka.
Berg: Okay, two beers coming up!

Claudia: So tell me, Doc, where do you like to spend most of your time?
Berg: A little place just north of here called 'My Bedroom'.

Berg: Aside from a hooker you're the only girl Pete could have sex with and not have to worry about falling in love.
Sharon: Gosh, Berg, when you put me up on that kind of pedestal...

Pete: Berg, did you have to tell everyone.
Berg: I didn't have to.

Berg: My brain is so big that it hurts my neck lugging it around.

Pete: So according to you I need to break up with Lauren to find a girl I don't like so I can get back with Lauren who I'm already with.

Berg: Where - where you going?
Pete: I'm gonna go to the psychiatric ward. Find out why I'm friends with you.

Pete: I do want to thank you though.
Berg: Oh, it's so not necessary.
Pete: For introducing me to a woman who broke my heart twice in eight minutes. While I was mourning her passing, she popped out of the john to dump me.

Pete: No relationship could possibly end worse than this one.
Berg: I love a challenge!

1.08 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Party

Pete: The Kremlin: A big ugly building in Russia.

Berg: I just happened to run into Bethany outside her work this morning.
Pete: Happened? Berg you had to 'happen' on to two trains and a ferry to get there.

Pete: I'll go over to Melissa's.
Berg: You can't.
Pete: Why not?
Berg: Well, because Melissa's coming over here.
Pete: For what?
Berg: For your birthday party.
Pete: Berg, my birthday's not for seven months.
Berg: But your party's tonight.

Pete: (about Sharon): Ooh, Berg, she's cleaning. She must be mad.
Berg: Great! This place is a mess.

Pete: Who, the doll salesman?
Sharon: He happens to be the VP of marketing for Barbie. A multi-million dollar corporation.
Pete & Berg: Doll salesman.

Pete: So, you all set for Bethany?
Berg: Yup. Tonight I'm going to play it cool. No going up to her, no talking to her every second. I'm gonna be relaxed, enjoy myself, flirt with other girls.
Pete: Why don't you just ring her doorbell and run away?

Melissa: (about a jello shot) Oh, that is good.
Pete: Yeah, well be careful with them. They're lethal.
Melissa: There's no fat in jello!

Bethany: C'mon, I wouldn't miss it for anything!
Berg: Well what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and you had a cold?
Bethany: I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant.
Berg: I love a girl with a plan.

Bethany: You walked right up to me in O'Malleys and introduced yourself and knocked a pitcher of Margharitas into my lap.
Berg: Oh, yeah. I was just trying to put the fire out in your pants.

Melissa: Why can't people get along like jello?

Berg: She didn't even care. Have fun. That's what she said. I tell her I'm moving to France and she says 'have fun'.
Sharon: Well, Berg, what kind of girl is going to go 'Oh, swell. You're moving out of the country? Let's start a relationship!'

Pete: You guys missed an incredible tournament. Full contact hopscotch! Bill was unstoppable.

Berg: Well, I'll have you know that you didn't even get blown off. Doll boy did call and we forgot to tell you! I think you owe me an apology, sister.

Berg: What is it about this girls that makes me so crazy? Her voice? Her smile?
Pete: The fact that she doesn't just fall at your feet?
Berg: Yeah. And what is the deal with that?

Berg: Maybe I should just stick with women I don't care about.

Pete: (about jellow shots) I told you those things were lethal.
Melissa: But they were so pretty!

Berg: I threw this whole party for you.
Bethany: That's very sweet. I didn't ask you to.
Berg: It would have been a fairly odd request if you had.

1.09 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter

Pete: Okay, I gotta get these blueprints to the copy place by nine. I got a meeting with my Professor at ten. Hit the computer lab at eleven and at noon, meet with the mayor regarding parade for Berg...
Berg: Oh, Pete!
Pete: Berg, I told you stay out of my organiser!
Berg: I'm talking about a big parade. Just a couple of floats.

Sharon: "Me: stocky guy with red hair." Please. Why not just say fat with freckles.

Pete: "Me: shy but interested." She may as well say "Me: lonely, dejected, have space in freezer for one more body".

Berg: Hello. My name is Berg, and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.

Mr. Bauer: Once, I thought I would never love again.
Pete: Okay, Mr. Bauer it's really -
Mr. Bauer: But then I moved to Seattle -
Pete: And your son called in on a radio show, he said you were lonely. Then you met Meg Ryan on the top of the Empire State building. Happily ever after. The end.
Mr. Bauer: You remembered!

Molly: And all those wonderful things you said about your roommate.
Pete: I'm sorry, excuse me?
Molly: You know, how you would gladly jump on a grenade for him because some day he's going to be a great doctor who saves the world while getting continually better looking and more charming as the years go on.

Berg: (to Sharon) You? Too shy? I've seen you offend construction workers.

Berg: Molly has - how can I put this? - a horrifying, scary, evil violent side.
Pete: Yeah, that must be why she baked you muffins this morning.

Pete: I mean, you would never, like, take a baseball bat and, like, beat Berg with it.
Molly: Oh, yes! In a heartbeat!

Pete: This time I'm being stalked by a deranged Librarian with a baseball bat.
Berg: No relationship is perfect.

Pete: If it was that easy, why didn't you just do that when she was stalking me?
Berg: When she was stalking you, it was funny.

1.10 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery

Berg: This is an interesting brush stroke. Whatdya use?
Isabella: My naked body.
Berg: Really? Cause we need our apartment painted.

Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.

Berg: I mean it's physically impossible with a man to be platonic with a girl that sexy.
Sharon: Uh, hello!
Berg: You don't count.

Berg: Hey, I tell you everything.
Pete: Yeah, and I've asked you to stop!

Berg: "Close the deal"?! I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women.
Sharon: Right. This from a guy who has a VIP card from Topless, Topless, Topless.